Saturday, November 26, 2011

Too Long

I have such good intentions to get back to blogging more often and then I just seem to lose my way. Mostly I just feel like I have nothing worthwhile to say and nothing art wise or interesting to show. I can spends days browsing other blogs or playing on FB but just ignore my blog even when it calls to me.
 I had good intentions of starting again in my last post and was going to chronicle a life changing journey I was about to embark on. Well, I did go on the journey, I did do a lot of hard work but nope, I didn't even even post a thing about it! Sorry, I didn't mean to leave anyone who cared, hanging. As it turns out, I did 6 months of work, learning and getting more excited for my big life changing day to arrive! And then......BAM ! As usually happens in my life, 2 to 3 weeks before the much anticipated day, it all came to a stunning screeching halt and I was totally devastated. That was way back in September and after spending time crying, cussing, kicking myself and having evil thoughts toward others, I'm now finally about over it and giving myself until after Jan.1 to decide what to do.
 What I embarked upon had nothing to do with art although I was going to journal each day and didn't do that either. I wish I had. Nothing to do with art but everything to do with that dreaded word....WEIGHT and the damage it can do to your health and even worse your state of mind and self-worth. Most of my life I've dealt with being over-weight. Never by a whole lot until having 2 babies and a string of bad marriages and divorces and then bouts of depression and age creeping up and up. For at least 15 years I studied and longed to have the bariatric bypass surgery so I could stop the yo-yo dieting syndrome and have a life I longed for. For several reasons, usually money and insurance, I could never do it. I started once about 9 years ago, only to get started with a wonderful surgeon, start a few med. tests, get terribly excited and then shot down when the insurance wouldn't cover the surgery. Now I had insurance again that would cover and I decided I better do this while I still could. I had to travel nearly 100 miles 1 way to the hospital and bariatric center once or twice a month, luckily they networked with my family Dr. here for med checks and weighing, also any lab tests that needed to be done so it saved a lot of driving and gas money. There are many different places and centers for this surgery but my insurance would only cover for 2 places and both were accredited centers of excellence with very strict 6 month long programs to get qualified and have a surgery date set! Other programs go faster and are not as strict but then they don't have such a high record of completion without problems.
 Well, as I said I made to the very end and a problem for me did crop up and bite me. Again it all had to do with money. I sure wish every little thing worthwhile didn't revolve around that green stuff. It just doesn't seem fair. It doesn't seem fair that you can spend 6 months with a bunch of lovely helpful medical people who do care but then when it does come down to the 'green', it's a tear with a hug and it's been nice to see you, come back if you find that pot of gold! My downfall was with a psychologist. Yes, you do have to meet with a psychologist and testing; if you're really lucky (and LIE ) you can get passed through with just the 1 visit. Well, I didn't avoid some of the questions good enough and with a history of yo-yo dieting and being married and divorced too many times, they decided I needed to see another psychologist. Now, honestly, I didn't mind that and MAYBE I needed it (but I doubt it) but here's the insurance wouldn't pay for the psychologist visits even tho they were mandatory to the program and insurance rules for this surgery. Go figure. So the 1 st visit alone was $600.00 out of pocket as included testing and then a  session. Now that might not seem like a hefty amount to some people but it's way over my head. So when he suggested I see the 2nd Dr. I wasn't too agreeable but I thought, oh well, what's another $300, I'll do it so I can get over with and move on toward a surgery date. Anther trip all the way down and within 15 minutes of being with this Dr., she informs me that I don't see her for 1 session it's 3 sessions for sure and possibly more. Ya, see? The 1st Dr. failed to tell me of that nifty piece of information! So this 2nd session became a session of her and I butting heads as she said I had to have 3 and most likely 6, maybe more and me saying it wasn't going to happen! That was another $300 wasted fighting after only 15 minutes of questioning about home life and husbands! I finally got it through her head that I had NO money, not even to make payments on what these sessions would cost. Not to mention that at my age (I'm no spring chicken anymore, I've dealt with all my problems, many more than she was ever going to be told! Yes, I'm not perfect, I have depression and anxiety issues but I'm here, not crazy, not a drinker, not a druggy and I'm too old to deal with life issues now way in the past!) and  still she wasn't HEARING me. Is there something plainly funny about psychologists who don't HEAR what you're saying? She didn't get the joke when I told her she wasn't hearing me. So, I left, walked out without making another appointment and started to fret all the way home that she wouldn't pass me through.
As it turned out, she didn't not pass me through nor hold me back. She just reported that because of a monetary issue I felt I couldn't complete her sessions. 1 week later she QUITS and leaves the practice! After my last Dr. visit here and just before my last visit down to the hospital to finalize everything, get ready to start the 2 week  presurgical diet and set a date, I called to talk with the director and make sure we weren't forgetting anything. I was so excited, I just can't express how much!! She brought up the psychologist visits and I reminded her what happened and no I hadn't called the head Dr. back because no matter what there was NO MONEY! She says she better talk with him and have him call me the next morning with a decision. I stayed awake all night fretting because this was going to set the final steps and bring all to reality or to a squealing stop. I spoke with him, I explained everything, I told him I had already told HIM I couldn't afford more sessions but at my age I didn't see a problem! He didn't see things my way so I lost all dignity, started bawling like a baby and then begged him to please pass me through, this was my last chance for this surgery (there is a age limit). His answer.....he was sorry but he couldn't do that and I'd have to see someone for 2 more sessions for sure or a counselor for even more. I just said, through a snotty drippy nose and tears, thank you for not understanding and further ruining my life & hung up. That was the end of that. I called the director back and asked her to cancel my next app't in 2 days and said it was all over. She did feel bad and later I did have notes from the nutritionist and PT gal, they were very upset over it all and they are the main ones who know the work you've done and changes made.
 So by now I should be on here telling my post surgery progress and should be at least 50 or more pounds lighter, able to walk a long ways, make my elliptical fly and fit into new clothes I had waiting. NOT! As this started, by New Years I hope to have my head back on straight and a decision on what diet to do this time but hopefully with lasting results. Right now I just can't seem to care either way but I'm getting there.
In the meantime, I do hope to start blogging again and I don't have much artsy stuff to show but maybe I'll at least show just some "Found Words" pages. I might have a envelope that I haven't shared, too. I did do a envelope for a friend and I really was proud of it and yes, I mailed it off and forgot to scan it first!! I couldn't believe I did that! yes I can....but you know.....
 So, I'm really back this time, really! I have managed to peek in from time to time on some of you but I am way behind on that too. Just blame it on Words With Friends and other fun FB games! They do keep me sane!